Exceedingly good gossip

Exceedingly good gossip

A- “You know that couple? The one that live on Disneyland way? Come on, you know the ones. She sounds really posh, he’s really tall?”

B- “You mean the really good looking, super fit guy who’s married to the athletic woman with the amazing hair?” (its my blog. I can use whatever descriptives I choose.)

A- “yes, you’ve got them. You’ll never believe it . . . they can’t have kids.”

B-” Nooooooooooo. “

*Swigs on coffee whilst scrolling through Facebook*

“who’s got the problem then. . . him or her? “

Look, I won’t ever know if conversations like this ever actually took place but I can count on both hands the amount of times myself and Mr NFD have been asked which one of us has ‘the problem’. I’m not talking about family members or close friends who ask in a ‘we have a sincerely vested interested in your wellbeing kind of way‘ I’m alluding to the ‘we don’t know you from Adam but I’m Nosey kind of way’ the ‘ I’m just going to pop my head over the garden fence. Ask some really personal questions, then get back to pruning my rose bush‘ sort of folk.

Yes, the world is full of really wonderful, supportive people. I’m not completely bitter (I have a good counsellor.) This doesn’t however, mean that these people don’t exist. I know they do and you know it too.

Why would a stranger want to know such intricate details of your life? It’s fucking weird. It would be like me casually paying for my goods, then asking the cashier what her last dump was like. Odd right? Also, what difference is this information going to make to their lives? Is knowing if Mr NFD is firing blanks or Mrs NFM having no Ovaries going to mean they can sleep better at night?

Because I can tell you how these questions made me feel;

Like shit. Exposed. In-human. fictional.

We’ve been asked these questions like we weren’t even there. Like our feelings didn’t actually exist.

What does it matter who it is with the problem? The point is, we met, fell madly in love and can’t have a baby. If you think about it we both have ‘the problem’ a pretty fucking big one.

It’s exactly the same when you adopt. People deem it ok to ask about the child’s background; were they abused? where are the ‘real parents’ now? How are you going to feel when they want to find them? etc. etc .

Let me ask you; What would happen if an adult asked another adult someone they hardly knew, if they’d been abused? They would say something along the lines of . . . .Mind your own pissing business. Aside from the fact, it’s the child’s story to share. It’s insensitive, rude and unnecessary. Why is it suddenly ok to ask this about a toddler? Is it because he doesn’t have his own voice yet?

If it is. I hope I’ve just given him one.

2 thoughts on “Exceedingly good gossip

  1. You write from a place I recognise, not as a woman unable to have a child but as the mother of one. For 13 years I have lived alongside my daughter a story so uncannily like your own. But even so it is very hard to properly understand the layers and layers of pain that accompany infertility; the intrusive, insensitive, crass and deeply hurtful comments people have made. Often such comments are made almost flippantly, or in passing, without any thought as to how they might be heard; at other times questions about deeply private aspects of infertility are asked as if the questioner feels she has a right to an answer. The wounds inflicted are long-lasting (and thankfully a good counsellor makes all the difference!).

    It’s really helpful to so many women and men that you are writing this blog with such raw honesty. Thank you for encouraging others to feel they are not alone and that what they feel/have felt is not weird or unreasonable. Thank you for writing for those who love the women and men struggling to deal with infertility. Thank you for writing so openly and positively about adoption and for sharing your own experiences. My daughter and her partner are now part way through the adoption process and I hope one day they will become a family.

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