Look Nigel! An adopted child.

Look Nigel! An adopted child.

Something that’s always slightly fascinated me since bringing Nemo home is the sheer look of shock on peoples faces when they realise he’s exactly what it says on the tin . . . A child. The gasps of “but he’s so beautiful” ” but he’s so clever” and the good old fashioned “I just can’t believe he was up for adoption” never ceases to amaze me. What were you expecting an extra head? Third eye? A sodding tail??

What does an adopted child look like exactly? What ‘Type’ of child did you expect to be ‘up for adoption’ * I hate that phrase ‘ He’s not a bloody e-bay listing. Can we just STOP saying that please. Thank you. Whilst I’m on the topic; What does an abused child look like? SCENE; A beautiful summers day, Nemo’s on a very strict bug hunting schedule. ENTER; The Gossip Hunter. “He looks so happy! Nothing serious must have happened to him. He can’t have been abused or anything?” * I hope you all feel as sick as I did right now.

Someone crippled with anxiety, depression, infertile? What do they all look like? Is there some art gallery somewhere I’m unaware of? It’s 2020, I thought we didn’t do labels? Yet I’ve found as soon as some people discover he’s adopted they start looking for one. He’s just a child. Like any other, he loves dinosaurs, jumping in puddles and eating cereal out of the box. He’s. Just. A. Child. A bloody wonderful one at that.

  • Top Tip; Start thinking of some spectacularly good come back answers to these questions now. There’s nothing more infuriating than pacing up and down your kitchen afterwards imagining all the brilliantly eloquent, passively aggressive things you should have said. You want to be able to suck it to them right there and then. If I had my time again I would have said something along the lines of; ” Seen as you’re open to such personal conversation starters, do tell me about your latest bowel movement. Did you wipe from front to back?”
Exceedingly good gossip

Exceedingly good gossip

A- “You know that couple? The one that live on Disneyland way? Come on, you know the ones. She sounds really posh, he’s really tall?”

B- “You mean the really good looking, super fit guy who’s married to the athletic woman with the amazing hair?” (its my blog. I can use whatever descriptives I choose.)

A- “yes, you’ve got them. You’ll never believe it . . . they can’t have kids.”

B-” Nooooooooooo. “

*Swigs on coffee whilst scrolling through Facebook*

“who’s got the problem then. . . him or her? “

Look, I won’t ever know if conversations like this ever actually took place but I can count on both hands the amount of times myself and Mr NFD have been asked which one of us has ‘the problem’. I’m not talking about family members or close friends who ask in a ‘we have a sincerely vested interested in your wellbeing kind of way‘ I’m alluding to the ‘we don’t know you from Adam but I’m Nosey kind of way’ the ‘ I’m just going to pop my head over the garden fence. Ask some really personal questions, then get back to pruning my rose bush‘ sort of folk.

Yes, the world is full of really wonderful, supportive people. I’m not completely bitter (I have a good counsellor.) This doesn’t however, mean that these people don’t exist. I know they do and you know it too.

Why would a stranger want to know such intricate details of your life? It’s fucking weird. It would be like me casually paying for my goods, then asking the cashier what her last dump was like. Odd right? Also, what difference is this information going to make to their lives? Is knowing if Mr NFD is firing blanks or Mrs NFM having no Ovaries going to mean they can sleep better at night?

Because I can tell you how these questions made me feel;

Like shit. Exposed. In-human. fictional.

We’ve been asked these questions like we weren’t even there. Like our feelings didn’t actually exist.

What does it matter who it is with the problem? The point is, we met, fell madly in love and can’t have a baby. If you think about it we both have ‘the problem’ a pretty fucking big one.

It’s exactly the same when you adopt. People deem it ok to ask about the child’s background; were they abused? where are the ‘real parents’ now? How are you going to feel when they want to find them? etc. etc .

Let me ask you; What would happen if an adult asked another adult someone they hardly knew, if they’d been abused? They would say something along the lines of . . . .Mind your own pissing business. Aside from the fact, it’s the child’s story to share. It’s insensitive, rude and unnecessary. Why is it suddenly ok to ask this about a toddler? Is it because he doesn’t have his own voice yet?

If it is. I hope I’ve just given him one.