Undercover Mother

Undercover Mother

What everyone fails to mention when you adopt is; not only will you have to deal with the significant life change of becoming a mother, you also take on the role of working for the sodding FBI!

Thats right, alongside spending your life picking Pom Bears out of your hair, there’s the sideline role of secret agent. I wasn’t quite prepared for the lies I would have to tell.

I mean, some of them have been great, really, really great. “Oh my goodness, you look AMAZING you would NEVER believe you’ve had a baby?!”

AWKWARD AS F*CK RIGHT?

May I just say, you DO NOT have to turn round to every Tom, Dick and Fanny sharing “oh, he’s actually adopted.” You just don’t. However, I would urge you to take a quick moment of reflection before you reply. Think…all the crap you’ve been through, the insensitive comments, the treatment induced changes to your body (no one recognises that). Would it be the biggest crime in the world if you basked in this short moment? Responding with something along the lines of . . . *but not exclusive too; “I just stuck to a really strict exercise regime and only ate kale.” They will hate you and you will be fine with that.

Then there’s the ones that really test your on the spot lying ability;

Tom- “Was that his birth name? ”

Dick- “Where was he born?”

Fanny-“What actually happened to him then?”

Tom again – (He loves it) “Has he got any siblings?

. . . . . . . So it continues.

If you’ve gone through fertility treatment you will no doubt be used to having to disclose your personal life .

” Erm, I’m going to need next wed off work for egg collection …. is that ok?” By that afternoon the entire office knows you’re trying for a baby but old Penelope Perfect across the way ( just back from the tropics) she’s been at it all weekend! No ones suspecting a thing. *Please be aware the possibility of you attending PP Junior’s 4th birthday party before you become a mother is likely.

And don’t be fooled into thinking you’re going to be able to maintain any family planning anonymity via the adoption process either. Your boss will most definitely catch you writing your PAR at work. *Do not do it at work, I’ve courageously taken the wrap for all of us.

The reality is, when you adopt a child their identity security takes precedence above all else. Our family and closest friends don’t even know the whole truth. That’s fine. Ultimately, it’s Nemo’s truth to share. Then there’s social media, a difficult decision for all parents! How safe is the web these days? With an adopted child, if you decided to share a picture, even a vague picture before the court order is made, you could potentially put the placement at risk. Even after, you still worry about giving birth family scope to track him down *highly, highly unlikely but still.

Heavy shit. Right?

Got to go, Mr NFD’s asking If I like my Coffee shaken or stirred . . . .

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo

Just keep swimming.

“Get a baby, just get a kid as young as you possibly can, they won’t remember all the crap that went on before” You may hear this (or variations of) from well meaning associates during your journey. But, how young is young enough? My son was just 21 months old when he came home, I would say thats pretty bloody young. So, if this theory is true. why, after watching this Walt Disney classic was he sat there with tears streaming down his face aged two and a half asking “why Mummy Daddy lost me?” *Thanks Pixar. (before we pass any judgement, its a G rating and he loves sharks)

He’d been silently battling, trying to piece together the missing pieces of his puzzle from a much earlier age than we’d ever anticipated. (Mind you, we are talking about some kind of toddler genius here. I’m convinced he’s doing Guardian crosswords up there of an eve then shouting “Mummy, dum dum” for shits and gigs.) I was hit with the startling realisation and understanding of why he was so fraught with anxiety when I said I was popping to the shop or just nipping out to the tumble dryer. He thought we were going to loose him. He’d come to the conclusion that the reason he had to go and live with “The other people” * Foster carers was because Mummy and Daddy had lost him. I write this to you with every single hair on the back of my neck on edge. He finishes Nursery in an hour, he’s come so far. My little Nemo.

*My advice, (if you want it) would be to think less about ‘the baby’ and more about the connection you may have found during family finding with a child of any age.

You could always ‘just’ adopt?

You could always ‘just’ adopt?

You will hear this phrase from well meaning friends and family members almost immediately after you’ve had your infertility confirmation.By way of offering some kind of solution to your heartache, very similar to the John Lewis money back guarantee ‘if your first product hasn’t worked out, just come on down and bring it back, swap it for something similar.’

I’m going to be brutally honest here. ‘Just’ adopting a child will not replace the loss of a biological child.

They are their own person, they will arrive in your lives at whatever age with all of their rightful history. Of course, it goes without saying they become your child, they enrich your lives and you theirs the same way any other family would. But you must take the time to grieve for the life you assumed you would have before you embark on this journey.

I look back now just under a year into placement and can honestly say, I wouldn’t have things any other way. What you come to realise is, we have chosen to love our son.

What not to ask…..

What not to ask…..

01


‘Real’

“Issac, wow thats a lovely name sooooo unusual. Did his real mum call him that?”

02


Salivate

“So, what happened with his other mum and Dad then? Drug dealers?” *Note the busybody is usually salivating at the mouth by this point.

03


Genitals

“Would you share an ice-lolly or a drink with him? Because you know, he didn’t come out of you so, is that not weird?” * A great response here would be; “Did you come out of your partners genitalia then?” (i’ve never had the confidence to say that.)

04


Thought

Its so, so amazing what you guys have done. We’ve often thought about adopting haven’t we babe… ? * This is usually being said by a pregnant friend whilst pushing a pram.

None of the above scenarios have been fabricated. Ive been asked all of them and we claim to live in an understanding society.

The shower. . .

The shower. . .

To shower, or not to shower? That is the question. The answer my friends is YES!!! You’ve had to jump through so many hoops to get to this moment, with no sex involved. So you’re going to have god damn partay!!! Let’s not forget ladies, you’re not actually preggers, so you could wear a ‘mum to be‘ sash, swig on a bottle of Bolly whilst zero judgement is passed.

If you’re in a situation (like myself) you’ve decided to foster to adopt. You will most likely be sending your shower invites with 72 hours notice…..yippee. You need someone in your corner, ready to emotionally blackmail all friends and family into cancelling all other plans, attending ladened with gifts and good-wishes . Enter my sister, she was simply fantastic. You won’t have time for insta perfect shower prep. You will be in the Aldi que stockpiling nappies, wipes and those cute mini bottles of Prosecco. *Note you will get so many more gifts then your average mum to be, people just love a good news story.

When it comes to gifts and decorations, a little more thought will be required. UK retailers are hardly fit to burst with adoption goodies.

“Hi, it’s 2020. Just Wondered if you wanted to start selling helium Balloons for ALL KINDS OF FAMILIES?!” (Thats me, shouting at all the retailers)

I did find a great Tee I wore on the day (see above) @littlemamashirtshop, I also wore this for my social media adoption announcement. We received a beautiful adoption record book @littlepicklememories which meant the world to me, I was sick of scurrying past the good old ‘my first year‘ books which seem to miraculously grow legs and start chasing you round the shop when you can’t have a child. It’s full of gorgeous pages for you to complete such as 1st month in your forever home & 1st Birthday with us. Another beautiful gift idea is to find a bear or fictional children’s character that has also been adopted and has a relatable story for your child, Idris loves his precious Paddington bear.

Theres still so much scope for games, i loved the advice for parenthood cards, @gingerrayuk they apply to any aged child. *You will find yourself frantically flicking through these whilst on your third cute, mini Aldi Prosecco bottle.

When it comes to a cake ‘welcome to the world’ or ‘congratulations on your baby boy’ might not suit the situation, Idirs was 21 months old when he came home, i’d like to think he’d seen a bit of the world by then. We went for ‘together as one’ because thats how we felt about our new unit. We were now one.