What everyone fails to mention when you adopt is; not only will you have to deal with the significant life change of becoming a mother, you also take on the post-adoption role of working for the sodding FBI!

Woman standing on a rock on the beach - 'undercover mother', your new secret identity after adoption as you withstand interrogation

That’s right, alongside spending your life picking Pom Bears out of your hair, there’s the sideline role of secret agent. I wasn’t quite prepared for the lies I would have to tell.

I mean, some of them have been great, really, really great. “Oh my goodness, you look AMAZING you would NEVER believe you’ve had a baby?!”


May I just say, you DO NOT have to turn round to every Tom, Dick and Fanny sharing “oh, he’s actually adopted.” You just don’t. However, I would urge you to take a quick moment of reflection before you reply.

Think… all the crap you’ve been through, the insensitive comments, the treatment-induced changes to your body (no one recognises that). Would it be the biggest crime in the world if you basked in this short moment? Responding with something along the lines of . . . *but not exclusive too; “I just stuck to a really strict exercise regime and only ate kale.” They will hate you and you will be fine with that.

Then there’s the ones that really test your on-the-spot lying ability;

Tom: “Was that his birth name? “

Dick: “Where was he born?”

Fanny: “What actually happened to him then?”

Tom again: (He loves it) “Has he got any siblings?

. . . . . . . So it continues.

If you’ve gone through fertility treatment you will no doubt be used to having to disclose your personal life .

“Erm, I’m going to need next Wednesday off work for egg collection…. is that OK?” By that afternoon the entire office knows you’re trying for a baby but old Penelope Perfect across the way (just back from the tropics) she’s been at it all weekend! No-one’s suspecting a thing. *Please be aware the possibility of you attending PP Junior’s 4th birthday party before you become a mother is likely.

And don’t be fooled into thinking you’re going to be able to maintain any family planning anonymity via the adoption process either. Your boss will most definitely catch you writing your PAR at work. *Do not do it at work, I’ve courageously taken the rap for all of us.

The reality is, when you adopt a child, their identity security takes precedence above all else. Our family and closest friends don’t even know the whole truth. That’s fine.

Ultimately, it’s Nemo’s truth to share. Then there’s social media, a difficult decision for all parents! How safe is the web these days? With an adopted child, if you decided to share a picture, even a vague picture before the adoption court order is made, you could potentially put the placement at risk. Even after, you still worry about giving birth family scope to track him down *highly, highly unlikely but still.

Heavy shit. Right?

Got to go, Mr NFD’s asking If I like my Coffee shaken or stirred…

2 Comments on Undercover Mother

  1. Hi! Have been enjoying your blog so much! I feel so identified reading it it’s unbelievable! Your blog is so honest and straightforward and with a big sense of humour you seem to be my type of people! I actually would love to meet you one day and rant about our experiences and have a laugh! Love

  2. Love this – when my twins were little {technically they are still little at 5….} I couldn’t leave the house with out hearing the question ‘are they twins?’ often followed by ‘were they natural?’ Like ‘no Janice they were built in Build a Bear 🙄’ {in all honesty I didn’t usually mind being asked questions but sometimes you just.want.to.buy.milk.and.go.home} anyway – great post 🙂

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